After a conversation with my brother...

(And it seems appropriate for the date.) I've decided something. Evidently, as a white, middle-class Christian, I am the ultimate evil. As I am the ultimate evil, there are some changes I want, and I want them now.

First- I want some evil underlings. You know, lackeys to fetch my evil drinks. Evil cabana boys, the kind that will steal the little paper umbrellas from other people's pina coladas and move their bookmarks. I want somebody to wash the evil undergarments, and handle all the evil ironing. They can put a red sock into a white load, as long as it's not mine, and then giggle all the way home. I want an evil chef, who will make lots of evil food with things like butter, and white wine and real cream. Oh yeah, and an evil personal trainer. (That won't take much work to find. PTs are sadistic by nature.)

Second- If I am the ultimate evil, why isn't the clothing budget better? I mean, really. C'mon. I'm the ultimate evil and I shop at Old Navy. Shouldn't I be shopping at some higher-class evil corporation, like Nordstroms? I mean, who really expects the ultimate evil to dress in pink cotton t-shirts? Shouldn't I be wearing high-end black leather, and maybe some evil diamonds. I'm worth it. (We'll skip the fact that I'd probably be dressed in pink leather, since it's easier to hide out in polite society if you don't look like an emo goth.)

Third- Can we talk about the accomodations? Don't get me wrong, I adore our little apartment, you know, the one I share with the evil spouse, but I'm thinking I need a bigger evil domain, one with lots of servants I can opress, and tons of chances to flout my evil-ness in the face of the less fortunate. I need one that uses up lots and lots of electricity, so I can contribute to the destruction of the environment.

Fourth- We need to do something about my car. The ultimate evil should be driving something fast and sleek. I'm thinking a Ferrari, or maybe a Lotus. You know, something that the opressed masses I walk on could never afford. If nothing else, could I at least get an evil body shop so they can fix the dent in my tailgate? I'm not asking for much, just someone who'll charge me $100 an hour for labor and then snicker at me behind my back. I've found them at the corner garage before. And since I'm the ultimate evil, the tree that jumped behind me is going to die a long, slow rotting death.

So, when can I expect this all to be taken care of?