Grrrr.

I am in a bad mood tonight. Just cranky and creaky and generally blah. I just can't seem to shake this funk.

One of the reasons that I really don't talk to too many folx about depression is because I hate the platitudes.

Honestly, I know that people mean well, but it's kind of hard to understand what it's like in here, when you're standing at the edge of the Pit and the only thing you want to do is fall in. Right now, I'm teetering right on the edge. I haven't fallen in, thank you GOD, but there are some days when it gets closer than others, and today just seemed to turn into one of those.

It's hard to explain how tired I am, all the time. How tired I am when I wake up, how tired I am when I get in the truck to go to school, how tired I am when I get home, and how tired I am when I do homework. I yawn all the time, and I've fallen asleep over my books more than once this weekend.

It's hard to explain that while I know, intellectually, that this too shall pass, it's harder to convince the heart and the little monkey that lives in the back of my head.

It's hard to explain how much I loathe waking up in a bed that's half-empty, and how much I miss being able to share the small parts of being married. Yeah, I know...just wait until he gets home right? Whatever. I will never forget how much this sucks. Never. BTW, if you are somewhere near your significant other, and you haven't told them how grateful you are to have them in your life, and how much you value their friendship and their love, get up and do it. Now. I'll wait. I'm serious. Get away from the computer, and go tell them. Really, go. While you're at it, have some smokin' hot nookie for me.

And yes, I know, it could be worse. We could all be on fire and that would suck.

I'll get around to the kittens and butterflies in a few minutes, okay? Until then, lemme 'lone. Until it's all rainbows and freakin' sunshine, I'm hurting and the happy-isms aren't doing much.

I've been told that I need to refocus. Okay, so what do you suggest? I'm in school, and I'm working. I'm trying to get to church and I'm trying to find some type of gaming activity so I can kill things that don't actually bleed and that won't get me heavily medicated. What else should I do? Even as fast as I read, these classes are kicking my ass, so volunteering at the local soup kitchen isn't quite gonna work.

I know that I've got a great marriage! I know it. I'm lucky in that I don't ever worry about John cheating on me, or sending me a "Dear Jen" letter or anything else. I know I've got it good. How do you think I get through every day? I thank God every day for the gift that is my husband and my marriage. I usually spend large chunks of my day trying to make sure that I tell my husband how much he means to me, and how much I value his presence in my life. I remind myself every single freakin' day that we 're lucky to have as much contact as we have, and that wives and girlfriends in WWI, WWII, Korea and Vietnam had it a lot worse. They went for months without knowing, waiting for letters that might be a month or more old, and never really knowing if their loved ones were alive or dead. I do have it easier than they did, and I know it. However, that doesn't negate too much of the pain some days. There are times when I just want to scream and throw things because this isn't fair, and yes, I know. Fair's a place you take your pig.

Okay, I'm going to go sleep now and wake up in a better mood. If not, I'll just hit myself in the forehead for a while. Gah. I have to study more tomorrow. Head is going to explode.