Le sigh...
Well, I'm back to working five days a week and school starts next week, too.
Gah. I liked being a bit lazy, but not the fact that I don't make any money sitting on my dead butt. I loathe having to ask for money, and although I know that my darling husband would cheerfully give me the last penny in his piggy bank, it's horribly embarassing to have to hold my hand out. Yeah yeah yeah. I know. My job is to go to school, and the whole tray-slinging gig is a sideline to make my drug money (for fabric, not for illegal pharmacuticals, y'all), but it's still a wee bit humiliating to realize that I'm dependent on someone's else generosity, pretty much.
That's not fair to John, actually. He believes that it is his duty as my husband to take care of me, and he'd cheerfully nuke a small planet but he gets upset if I stub my toe, and I know that he does not resent taking care of me in any way, shape or form. Ever. Evereverever.
That being said, I feel like a total mooch, and looking at the bills, it's reflected in them, so it's back to work I go. I want to be able to buy my gas and my fabric without worrying and without taking money that he gives me to pay for my silly hobbies.
Yes, it's irrational. Welcome to the fact that sometimes, despite my best efforts, I'm neurotic.
There are days I think about going back to AD just to have a steady, predictable income.
Le sigh. Don't mind me. I'm just being weird.
posted by Soldier Grrrl @ 1:19 PM
5 Comments:
anokaright- It's not that I mind working or that I mind staying home. It's that I loathe having to ask for money. It's one of my hangups, because I was mooched off of for *years*. I get a little nervous about being mooched.
One of the reasons that we can afford for me to stay home and go to school is because we live in a modest apartment, have no car payments, don't buy electronic equipment and have little credit card debt. I'm really trying to get back to "pay cash or do without," too.
It might be nice to have a nice new 2007 ION, but...nope. Don't want the car payment.
:-) I hope that you guys can make it to the point that your wife can stay home.
The fruits of materialism eventually sour. The fruits of the Spirit are with us eternally. How much more important are the investments of the Spirit then? Invest then, in the things of God and let Him fill you with love. Permit Him to use your husband as His hands to give to you what you need.
A challenge for you then: it may be the sweetest, most wonderful thing you can give your husband to accept what he gives you. I suggest that the most loving thing you can do for your husband is to accept HIS love. We men are called to a sacrificial love. Give him permission to sacrifice for you and do not deny him the opportunity to give to you. We find meaning and purpose in this.
Allow me to point out that, while our culture values independance, we are the most lonely people in the world. Every independant person I've ever met was also lonely.
I promise that your loneliness will evaporate as you surrender your independance in exchange for love. This is an emotionally risky step for you, so pray over it. I will pray with you.
"Evacuate the planet and nuke 'em from orbit: it's the only way to be sure."
Madam-At-Arms always asks me before she buys anything, even minor purchases over the Internet, at least since she's not working, even though I'll always tell her that if she needs it, go ahead and buy it. Fortunately, I married someone who's very responsible about money, so I trust her judgement as to whether we can afford something.
Chris- It's more than just being independent. It's an extremely deep-rooted fear of taking advantage of someone the way I was taken advantage of.
I'm still struggling with not supporting myself right now, but I don't truly resent John taking care of me.
I will see if I can pray over this, and get past it.
You and John are married. A wife, BY DEFINITION, does not "mooch" off of her husband. Rather, the role of a wife is different than the role of a husband. To put it in miltary terms--you two have different MOS's. I believe that a conversation with the Commander (aka Captain of the Lord's Host) and perhaps some appropriate training (from your Godmommy) will help you become comfortable with your new MOS.
This is a new MOS for you. It is only natural for you to feel wierd about it. Soon, it will become second nature to you. Give yourself time; you've had all these years to get to be the woman that you are today. Maybe it will take years more to become the woman you know you should be. You didn't acquire the skills of a PAO overnight, you won't acquire the skills of a wife overnight either.
He is Fred, you are Ginger. You just gotta do the same thing as him, but backwards and in high heels! With prayer, time and grace, you will be the godliest woman in the US Army.
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