Right now....

It's terribly late, and I should be asleep, but I'm not. I'm sitting on a bed, wondering about the boy who used to live in this room, and wondering about my husband. Not bad wonderings, at all, just wishing that I could pick up a crystal ball and see my beloved as he was before the responsibilities of adulthood and the rigors of war.

We all change, I know that. We all have things that we give up as we approach adulthood, from childish games to imaginary friends, to the idea of riding across the plains on a rocking horse, to the beanbag mouse we handed over to a sibling and then cried over. (No, I won't tell you who did what in that list.)

There are times when I would love to see who and what we were before we gave those things up, though. I would love to see my husband's smile on a child's face, his eyes sparkling, or his face set in mutiny. I am willing to show him my face, turned up in a sunny smile, or my eyes wide open in amazement and laughter.

I'm at my in-laws, and my brother-in-law has loyally attempted to distract us all when the conversation turns to the myriad cute deeds my husband is remembered for. He *hates* being reminded that he was a cute kid for some reason, although I like the stories because they give me some idea of what I can expect from our kids. Granted, I was such an angel that it will hopefully negate some of the devilish tendencies of my other half. (Gah. I can't even type that with a straight face!)

I'm thinking of letting the other blog kind of go to sleep. I'm tired of pretending that I'm such a sweetheart and the like and for some God-unknown reason, I'm tired of not feeling like I can say what I want to say without running it through some sort of content filter. Agh.